Image from Creature Comforts.
1.) I’m afraid to meet you.
The more excited someone is to meet me the more anxious I get about meeting them. I am afraid to let people down with who I actually am.
No matter how honest you are online, you are still a different person in real life. If people only know you online they fill the the blanks with what they think you are. Ive been blogging all over the joint for over 12 years and have met so many of my closest friends through the internet and even my husband but I have this fear that one day someone will look right at me, say “ew” and walk away.
2.) I am terrified that the state let me adopt a child. I’m more like “Did they let me have this perfect kid by accident? And is someone going to take her back?” Imagine my intense feelings before she was even legally free. I was a hot mess. I am afraid that when she grows up she will not love me anymore because I didn’t do a good enough job.
3.) I’m afraid that I will never actually feel like a grownup. I still don’t even have a credit card. I had one for 1 year when I was 19. My husband doesn’t have one either. As freelancers it makes things difficult sometimes to get things we want when we are waiting on payments from clients. But we have very little debt!
4.) Last year we went for almost 2 months without clients paying us. It was really a scary time. When I had my back surgery 2 years ago (it was emergency) and it wiped us out and we had no savings. Those were some dark days.
5.) In high school I was assaulted by a drunk stranger in Harvard Square, I pressed charges and he went to jail for 2 years. I think that I only told one person at the time. Some time later I was at a restaurant and he bussed my table and had absolutely no idea who I was.
6.) Most people think that I am super super tough but I’m actually a super sensitive wimp when it comes to myself. I’ve been a pushover for a lot of my life and just recently turned it around and gotten tougher and stopped letting clients and some friends take advantage of me and it makes me feel less anxious. If someone messes with my friends or family though, I will go WILD on them. I am hyper protective of others.
7.) I’m afraid of dying and leaving my kids without a mother. Even though I was a 30 year old grownup when my mother died, I still felt like a kid. I still want my mom sometimes when I’m scared, you know the way a kids might call out to their mom in the middle of the night, in the middle of a nightmare? Like that. I want my mom. I don’t ever want my children to feel like that. I know they will, but it crushes my heart to think about it.
8.) I’m convinced that people don’t remember who I am. Ever. I reintroduce myself because I am sure that I’ve been forgotten. Most people think it’s because I don’t remember them, but really its the other way around.
9.) Also, I’ve had a bin (a BIG bin) of random socks under my husbands night stand for like 3 months that I can’t manage to put away. It makes me insane each time I see it but I just can’t deal with it.